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love is a 4 letter word

Sshhh...

It's a secret. This LJ username, that is.

See, here's the thing. I'm going through a separation. A divorce. A something bad and terrible.

I wasn't great to my husband. For a long time, I was sick (PPD). For a long time, I hated myself about it, and that made me lash out at those closest to me. Namely, him.

Then I went away, and he decided that things were better that way. While he was deciding that, I was deciding that I didn't need to hate myself anymore. These decisions overlapped by hours.

He blames me for a lot of things. A lot of pain. Some of it is my fault. Some of it's not. I worry about him, because I fear that he is not making good choices. I sorrow, because he's not around.

I really hope that some time apart (and I'm talking at minimum a year, here) will give us both perspective. Up to a few days ago, I had hope that things would turn out ok in the end. Now, I'm not so sure.

I'm torn, because I want him in my life and I miss him terribly. But I don't want him like this... the anger and the pain, the blame and the harsh words.

I'm trying to be strong, because frankly my life is a mess. I have no home. No job. No money. A support system that is far more interested in assigning blame instead of actually being supportive. I have kids who need a dad, and their dad isn't particularily interested in being there for them except in the most base of ways... not in any way that counts.

We're "taking a break" from speaking to each other right now, because some harsh things were said. Right now, he's at a party with another woman. Right now, I'm full of despair.

So, shh. This is my place to let it all go about him.

And shh... I miss my husband.

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love is a 4 letter word

December 2008

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